Fast, Free and Easy

Oh Valentines Day. How we hate you. At some point in our lives, we've all hated Valentines - a holiday created solely to make single people feel even more lonely by rubbing it in their face.

Today on the show we focused on two elements - celebrating singledom and setting up two single Brightonians for a date tonight.

The latter was particularly fun... We took all our entries in "Be My Juicy Valentine" and had one guy, Ross (who describes himself as fast, free and easy), choosing between two genuinely lovely ladies - Tara and Zoe. He had 3 questions to work out which was the woman for him, and they were good questions. Firstly, what would you take on a desert island? Tara's promise of rubbing suncream into his back gave her an early advantage, but Zoe pulled it back with her magical experience of swimming with dolphins. That seemed to swing it as Ross had shared a similar experience and chose Zoe.

Not sure why he's crying, reckon he's done alright for himself with Talula

I felt dreadful condemning Tara to a night of loneliness, but alas she turned down my offer of watching Desperate Housewives on catch up together. Never mind. Zoe and Ross are going to Gar's Chinese Restaurant for a date tonight and you can find out how they get on tomorrow at midday on the show!

Just as we were putting a positive spin on being a single pringle today, muggins here gets a Valentines Card delivered. A card that upset me for two fundamental reasons:

I don't know whether I'm more disturbed or angry...

1) Do NOT, under any circumstance, buy me a card COVERED in glitter. I'm not a huge fairy (*ahem*).
2) What is the point of sending someone an 'anonymous' card if you're not going to give them so much as the smallest hint of a clue as to who the hell you are. I may as well send a card to "E.T., C/O The Moon".

Incidentally, if it was you who sent it, do let me know, we could get to know each other. Mine's a White Zinfandel.

Have a lovely Valentines whatever it is you get up to. And remember, how can anyone love you if you don't even love yourself? No wait, that's not right. Bugger it... single = super. On that note, I'm walking into the sea.

Cocozza's lofty expectations and Neeson vs wolves

Becks must be THRILLED

Frankie Cocozza - what an up and down relationship we've had (by we, I mean the general public, I haven't had an affair with him). First he charmed us with his cheeky bum stories, then he disappointed us with his off-screen antics, and then he charmed us again on Celebrity Big Brother. But today's news that he aims to be 'the Hugh Hefner of Essex' just downright amuses me. Plotting his path to playboy more specifically, he is going to target Jennifer Aniston as his first celebrity conquest (Made in Chelsea stars DO NOT count). 42 year old and apparently pregnant Jennifer Aniston. Good luck Frankie...



James Tully from the Odeon popped in for the film forum with LOADS of movie sequel news. Looks like a new X men, Mission Impossible, Rio and Hangover film are inevitable, with the latter promising to take the franchise in a "new direction". Because frankly grown men getting THAT coma-inducingly drunk twice was pushing it, let alone three times. New movies out this week include worst-titled film in a long while (Man on a Ledge) and the brilliant-looking Chronicle which comes out tomorrow.

Earlier this morning on the Breakfast Show I gave my verdict on Liam Neeson's new survival thriller The Grey. A film that promised to answer the question of who would win if Liam Neeson took on wolves. A question that this baffling film FAILS to answer, despite some top notch acting from the man himself.

The Grey film review by Jonesy on Mixcloud

I would compare the film to this scenario: Imagine, if you will, that England are in the World Cup Final (imagine really really hard) and they're playing Germany. It's gone to penalties (what else) after 120 minutes of an emotional rollercoaster, and with 3 each on the board, Wayne Rooney steps up to take the kick. JUST as he's about to strike the ball, the TV cuts out, and never comes back on. EVER.

That is the ending of The Grey, a film that promised so much, and failed to deliver...

Also on today's show we informed you that you could very soon have the chance to buy your very own share of facebook. Mark Zuckerberg looks to pocket around $16billion by taking it public, and I'd say it's a pretty safe investment.

Some random facebook facts:

• The average person has 130 friends on facebook (the rest are 'acquaintances', let's be honest)
• 1 in 13 people on earth use facebook (remember the Third World people...)
• Australian's are the most avid users, spending 7 hours a day on facebook. Do they do ANYTHING other than surf, drink and facebook?
• The meaning of 'poke' has never been defined... but we all really know what it means...

Thank GOD for the phrase "mixed bag"

Today we discussed dodgy weather bulletins as it turns out in South Africa they take the matter VERY seriously. So seriously, in fact, that if a reporter gets a forecast wrong and causes 'unnecessary panic' they can be fined up to £400,000 and face 5 years in prison! A repeat offender would face double those figures, although you'd hope by that point they'd have considered a career change.

A "mixed bag" apparently

Here at Juice Towers, myself and Guy Lloyd - Breakfast Presenter and regular on Strictly Come Fishing - regularly joke about our weather forecasts. Truth is, its bloody hard being accurate! We don't have our own Juice Met Office so we rely on the pros, and checking ten different websites can lead you to believe it's going to be a hurricane, sunny and snowy all in the same afternoon. I normally plump for the phrase "mixed bag" if in doubt.

But who can forget the legendary Michael Fish's all-time weather gaff from 1987...




Oh lovely, I won't cancel my family BBQ then!...



Bugger.

Yasmin with the latest in
polar bear fashion

I also interviewed Yasmin on the show today (well we played the best bits from earlier in the week in typical radio fashion). Lovely girl, but even more lovely looking. Unfortunately this interview was over the phone, as apparently I've been banned from face-to-face sessions with her after the "excessive ogling" in the last one. Turns out that Yasmin likes romantic dinner dates - nothing too posh though - and big eyebrows.

Bognor Regis. A place you'd normally associate with Butlins, beaches and boring old people. NOT ANYMORE you prejudice people you. Apparently, the new Bond film will be filming beach scenes at Bognor in time for Skyline's release in November. Hilariously, Bognor was chosen over second option... Bali. It reminds me a bit of Blind Date - remember after they'd picked their date, and Cilla would bring them together to choose an envelope for the holiday destination. Some lucky people got Bali, some got Bognor. Poor Bond, the recession hitting him hard. Remember that famous scene with Daniel Craig emerging from the sea in slow motion with water dripping down his chiseled body? Not quite the same if he gets hit by a stray beach ball by a squealing child is it.

Speaking of Bognor, that's exactly where I'm going to be for the next 4 days, making me the biggest hypocrite since Jodie Marsh said she hates fame-hungry slappers. I'm actually going for an amazing festival called the Bugged Out Weekender (www.buggedoutweekender.net) - 'tis a dance music affair with the likes of Chase & Status and Sub Focus. The official reason is for "research purposes" (Shakedown potential artists), but I may have to sip a cheeky "research" rose.

Garry Wilson is covering Juice Daytime tomorrow and Monday so I shall see you Tuesday!

Robbie Williams Eats Domestic Pets Shocker

Robbie Williams. Renowned for his wide-eyed performances, his love of all things extra-terrestrial, and his relationship with Ayda Field. Ayda field once, sold it to a farmer. One thing Robbie is apparently NOT renowned for is his public devouring of domestic animals, in pubs of course. Which is a shame. It is, in fact, one of the thousands of mis-truths that has emerged by the ultimate public-updated information website...

WIKIPEDIA.

I ruddy LOVE Wikipedia, I honestly don't know how I would cope without it. Ever since Fresher's week at Sussex University, when every tutor urged pupil's to not use Wikipedia under any circumstances, I did exactly that, and many an essay was wholeheartedly plagiarised from the website. By plagiarised, I mean "researched extensively" of course. Apparently, at any one point over 100,000 articles on the website contain false information, which means a 1 in 70 chance of you coming across one. Good odds in my book.

Some of the best include Margaret Thatcher being listed as a fictional character for 6 weeks (unfortunately not), Timmy Mallet as a former jet ski champion, and Alan Titchmarsh receiving the "Bad Sex Award". If he didn't win it he deserves it, what a waste of make-up that night was...

It was a combination of his bored expression and the authentic Rolex that first drew my eye to Alan...

Also today, we caught up with Paul Diello, after two staff members at Juice were invited to his 30th Birthday Party with a WEDDING theme. I asked Paul, quite simply, WHY?! Turns out Paul is already married after an intimate ceremony in New York, and now he just wants the big party to go with it. Naturally, there will be a buffet (a meaty one hopefully), frocks galore and a wedding photographer. I did probe Paul (not like that) about what his outfit would be, and he teased us with mysterious clues that it was being imported from Shanghai and is silver. We've scoured the Shanghai websites of note, and have narrowed it down to this one...

"It's ALL about the confidence"

I'm off to Londonium now for some important and exciting Shakedown Festival meetings. Determined to formally confirm Chaz & Dave..
 
Jonesy x

Oh and producer Jonno has just reminded me why celebs shouldn't play with hamsters live on TV. You might come up trumps when landscaping a tonne of shingle Titchmarsh, but multitasking a chat show and playing with cheap novelty toys just isn't your forte!

The Darkest of Party Themes

Happy Tuesday!

You're not fooling anyone mate

Tuesdays on Juice have a bit of a film-slant (not too much, don't worry, there's music and inane banter as ever). With that in mind, this morning on the Breakfast Show with Guy & Andrea, I gave my verdict on The Darkest Hour (12A) in 3D. A film that tells the story of some stupid young people during an alien invasion. But this isn't just ANY alien invasion - oh no. The people behind this film (that's YOU Chris Gorak) obviously had a brief flash of genius: "I know, what if the invasion wasn't in America but in MOSCOW and what if said aliens were - wait for it - .... INVISIBLE". Sometime after this, Gorak was lobotomised, at least I hope he was to avoid such APPALLING films ever being made again.

I don't really know where to start in explaining why I gave this laughably bad movie 2 out of 10 in my review. I've seen some pretty dreadful horror movies, but normally they are somehow entertaining in a did-they-REALLY-make-that way. But this one takes the biscuit, and never before have I willed the main characters to die painful elaborate deaths so desperately - and this comes in the same week that I watched Final Destination 5 (7/10 if you're wondering). Half of them did, hence the 2 points I gave it. In fact, one of those points is for a cute cat who's abusive owner has wrapped it in chains. You can hear the full venom of my verdict in the review below:

The Darkest Hour Film Review by Jonesy on Mixcloud

James Tully from the Odeon cinema also came in for the Film Forum sporting a new haircut. We talked Golden Globe winners, Rickey Gervais' lackluster jokes, and this week's new releases including Haywire and Coriolanus. And Madonna's new movie, but I wouldn't bother myself.

James Tully Hair Watch - after an outbreak of nits

Also on the show today we discussed strange party themes when two staff members at Juice (Producer Jonno and Guy Lloyd) received invitations to a wedding-themed party. Yes, that's right - a WEDDING theme. The strangest party I've been to was Sarah Powell (ex-Drivetime presenter and dear friend) whose Birthday, this one year, fell on Friday 13th, so she hosted a bad taste / unlucky themed party. Costumes included Jesus, Hitler and Jade Goody. Appalling.

Listener's best themes included the UK Coach awards (rival to the Bus awards), a farmer's party and a "computer component party" where Justine dressed up as a mouse (clever girl). I would've super-glued a keyboard to my head - I'm imaginative like that.

More tomfoolery tomorrow!
Jonesy x

Adele whips the crowd up into a frenzy

Hello you!

And welcome to another week of blog fun.

So this weekend, I had my much-anticipated birthday celebrations, which I'd stupidly themed "hats & glasses". To be fair, people made quite an effort, with the good ol' animal winter hat proving incredibly popular. I, on the other hand, cobbled together the most bizarre outfit in my long history of fancy dress. Imagine if Lancelot and Lady Gaga had a weird love-child. And here he is:

What was I thinking???

The chain mail head piece (authentic) proved a particular focus, as people took it in turns stabbing me in the head to see if it REALLY worked. I did explain that if it didn't work, I doubt they'd have used it for hundreds of years. I think people just enjoy attacking me. Despite this, I was far from best-dressed of the night. That award goes to my faithful pooch, Alfie, who pulled off his hat with some style:

What a pimp

So, onto the show!...

Pussycat Dolls? Cat Stevens?

Today we discovered that Adele songs were the most popular karaoke choices of 2011. Don't get me wrong, I love her, but I don't really want to hear someone warble their way, badly, through "Someone Like You" when I'm trying to have fun. It's a complete buzz kill when I've just whipped the crowd into a frenzy with my latest 11-minute Meat Loaf rendition. The first 2 minutes go down quite well, after that people tend to switch off. Here at Juice Towers, attempts at singing ballads do NOT go down well, and people tend to get booed till they put the mic down, or cry, or in my case both.

Loz popped in for Sporting Briefs, which frankly are never brief enough (love you Loz). The highlight today was one darts player's excuse for losing a semi-final... turning the air-conditioning on halfway through a match. He forgot to pack his jumper. Truth be told, the Juice air-con in the studio is temperamental at best - it can transport you from Antarctica to the Sahara desert and back again within a few seconds but rarely that perfect middle ground (Barcelona?).

Record of the week is an artist called Youngman and his song "Who Knows?" I feel like they've booked themselves into a corner with that name - after turning 40, "Oldman" just doesn't sound as cool no? I guess Paul Young is still doing alright. Isn't he!?

See you tomorrow for the Film Forum with James Tully.

Jonesy x

Who's the killer in Friday the 13th?

So, Friday the 13th (cue creepy music)!

George Michael. Yep 13 letters.
Explains a lot.

Did you know that if 13 people sit down for dinner together, one will die within a year? Luckily I only have 5 friends, PHEW! Also, if you have 13 letters in your name, you will get 'the devil's luck'. Sounds fun! I have 12 letters in mine which I think gives me "god's luck" no?

Today on Juice Daytime we talked bizarre superstitions. Personally, I can only have the volume in my car on an even number, as I've convinced myself an odd number will cause me to crash. Tim Fusciardi on twitter has a similar fixation with his digital air con in the car - only allowing it to be whole number, not 0.5s.

Friday the 13th also gave me an excuse to play a clip from one of my favourite movie scenes ever - the opening to Scream. "Who's the killer in Friday the 13th?" No Drew you FOOL, it was his mother, DUH. It's a scene that spawned a gazillion rip-offs and mock-offs, but surely the best and most famous is...



Loz popped in for Sporting Briefs, which included the news on Aamir Khan's rematch with Lamont Peterson after the judges allowed an 'outside person' to talk to them during the fight. My money's on Eubank, he gets about.

Get a haircut for god's sake man

The overall verdict on my Record of the week is as follows: brilliant. David Guetta and Sia have created a genius dance song in the form of "Titanium". We did, however, talk about the awkwardness of the G man. Despite being (officially) the number 1 DJ in the world, he is also SURELY the most embarrassing.

You know when your Uncle gets drunk at a wedding, and gets behind the booth 'pretending' to DJ? Yep, that's the look David Guetta has got down to a fine art.


That's all for this week. I've got my Birthday party tomorrow night, hats & glasses theme, and I'll be reporting on it with incriminating photos on Monday. Next week on the show my Album of the Week is the Maccabees new one, so tune in if you fancy winning a copy.

Have a wonderful weekend!
Jonesy x

I camembert paying for cheese!

Oh Antony. Poor old Antony Worrall Thompson. Clearly traumatised after years of being known as "the short fat ginger TV chef who MUST be gay", it seems the torment got too much...

A cunning disguise Antony...

Hence this morning, we woke up to some brilliant cheese-related puns when Antony was caught steeling cheese from Tesco. Before he descends into cheese-based rehab, we asked the people of Brighton for their best cheesy puns to cheer him up. Pick of the bunch:

"Antony nicks cheese, you cheddar believe it"
"Well I'll brie damned"
"Wensleyjail sentence start"

We've forwarded them to Antony's camp and apparently he's "overwhelmed". Bless.


Also today we were joined by HRH of the film world, James Tully. We've had a few listeners asking what James looks like as apparently he sounds "well fit". With that in mind, here's a photo of mr. film himself:

If Seth Rogan did 'Movember'

Today, James enlightned us on film news including sequels to the new version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and Bridesmaids which COULD go ahead without Kristen Wiig; which is the equivalent of The Alan Carr show hosted by Alan Sugar. Now THAT would be a good show... He also previewed the new releases at the Odeon this week: a film where you get to see Michael Fassbender Junior ('Shame'), a 3D film with invisable aliens who like electricity (The Darkest Hour) and a film about a horse who goes to war ('War Horse' - genius!)

Clearly, War Horse - the new Steven Spielberg movie - is the big 'un this week. James has already cried watching the trailer, and apparently if the horse is killed off at the end of the film, he's going to be so angry, he'll run to the nearest field and sacrifice a mule in its honour. Or something like that. Listen again to the Film Forum below:

The Film Forum 10/01/12 by Officialjonesy on Mixcloud

Other topics today included a pub in Newcastle that are introducing not only a dog menu, but a dog beer. Unfortunately, the beer is non-alcoholic. Shame - I quite liked the idea of squaring up against a drunk Rottweiler. Alas, producer Jonno assures me that'd be illegal. Nevermind.

And to keep you amused on a Tuesday, here's a classic video of the cheese-stealer himself. This time, he's stealing a glance at this lovely lady...



See you tomorrow for more tomfoolery!
Jonesy x

"Organised chaos"

Happy Monday!

For the record, I hate Mondays, with an indescribable passion. But United did win yesterday so at least I avoided the standard post-loss ribbing in the Juice office. It was a dark day after THAT 6-1 result...

This past weekend I mostly walked the dog - Waterhall and Wild Park if you fancy a cheeky stalk. Also DJ'd at Charles Street Saturday night - big hello to the 60 year old couple who were loving the electro-house. I'm changing the playlist for my nan's 80th...

So today on the show we were joined once again by Loz for his Sporting Briefs. I realised today that I have never, in a good 6 months of the feature, EVER got a football prediction correct. Not even the score, but the RESULT. The Albion had a tricky 1-1 draw in the FA Cup 3rd round, which means a tense replay away at Wrexham. Can think of nicer places to go... Skegness is a treat at this time of year. Listen again here:

Sporting Briefs 09/01/12 by Officialjonesy on Mixcloud

My new Record of the Week is David Guetta. Now before you cringe/sigh/dance, let me tell you he's teamed up with Sia who has the voice of an angel - an ANGEL I tell ya. 'Titanium' is brilliant, and any texts we had claiming otherwise were deleted immediately.

That monkey never fails to terrify me.

Today is also National Tidy Your Desk Day. My desk is far and away the most disgusting desk at Juice towers, but it's a mess I'm strangely proud of. When Linda the cleaner tries to 'organise' (which she does, regularly) I'm like a dog protecting my most beloved bone. We asked that the honorable citizens of Brighton choose the most random and pointless item on their desk, remove it and donate it to charity.

Incapable of parting with anything on my desk, I left it up to producer Jonno to find my item. He found 3 - an orange crystal ball object, some coco pops and my Juice award circue 2009 for Best Interview. Twas' Alan Carr talking about how to find him in a nightclub (hanging round the toilets smelling of poppers apparently).

Listener charity donations included a photo of a cheating ex girlfriend, a pigs-head clock from a butchers, and an A4 poster of David Dickinson, complete with orange coloring in. Oxfam will be happy.


Tomorrow I'll be popping into the Breakfast Show just after 9 for some film-related news and gossip before James Tully from the Odeon cinema joins me on Juice Daytime for the Film Forum, giving us a rundown of the big movies out at the moment and new releases this week.

See you then!
Jonesy x