Love is in the air! Or is that just BO?

Hello you and welcome to a brand new week of my blog!

Hope you had a lovely weekend. If like me you live relatively central in Brighton, you probably missed out on the snow and instead were treated with a brown slushy mess. Seeing photos of people North of the Dyke building snowmen has almost made me long for snow. Almost.

And as snow constantly threatens to hit Brighton, Valentines Day creeps ever closer. For single pringles its a depressing time of year. We have 12 months of loved-up couples bragging about their gooey affection on facebook, so Valentines is frankly just rubbing salt in the wounds. Well fear not desperately lonely people - I could find YOU love this year. Yes you!

I could be match-making you with your soul mate on the big day and then sending you to the gorgeous Gars Chinese Restaurant for a meal on us. To enter, just head over to our website to play "Be My Juicy Valentine". Just call me Cilla. No, go on...


Loz popped in for Sporting Briefs.Once again I predicted the Albion's result incorrectly (intentionally) thus forcing them to win. It's a bizarre logic but when the stars align, my anti-predictions have always proved true. Just ask Gus. No, go on...

I attempted to get Loz to enter Be My Juicy Valentine with no joy. A happily married man for many years, he's also got a shortage of single friends, instead choosing to socialise with other couples. I've got no idea what they get up to, but Loz does regularly lose his keys after these 'get togethers'...

Loz was always more of a Mercedes girl

 And my brand new Record of the Week is by Stooshe (rhymes with Tooshee). They're a new girl band with attitude innit. Watch out Little Mix - these girls are as vanilla as strawberry ice cream. i.e. not very.

Their song "Love Me" is the radio friendly version (think Cee-Lo's "Forget Me" and you won't be far off), and features the man who loves to... feature - Travie McCoy. Here's the song below:



If you think you could be a Stooshe fan, they're playing at the main event of National Student Pride at the Brighton Dome on 25th February which yours truly will also be DJing at. Last year I had the 'privilege' of standing behind Joe McElderry for his 20 minute set. Let's hope the views better this time.

How do you make a CAT look like a LION?...

Cats are funny creatures - at times the most affectionaite beings on earth, but more often than not they're disgusted by your mere presence. So imagine your average's cats delight when their owner decides to partake in a spot of 'breading...'

Oh god not the pickle, ANYTHING but pickle...

Breading is the latest internet craze (by insane cat owners) whereby cats heads are placed through slices of bread to give the effect of a 'mane'. Now I'm no artist, but I've yet to see a lion with a main even half resembling a slice of bread. Surely there are more effective ways to "lion-up" your moggy... hair growth cream, the end of a mop, or just a bit of DIY with a stuffed Simba toy...

"I'm gonna be a mighty king..."

'Breading' isn't the first bizarre internet sensation, nor will it be the last, so we asked for other crazy suggestions. 'Tebowing' is the art of pulling a Bruce Foresyth pose and taking a photo, whilst pancake rabbits involves placing pancakes, or similar objects, on top of rabbits' heads. The 'jag off' involves people photographing or videoing their best 'moves like jagger' moment, whilst "I'm Sexy and I Know It" features generally ugly people posting photos with the LMFAO song title underneath. Genius.

Myself and Producer Jonno decided to start a new internet sensation/fad... the art... of 'manking'. To take part, you must simply find a fellow man, hoist him onto your shoulders (in whatever method you deem appropriate) and take a photo of your triumphant moment as the king of 'man'. Women, if you're jealous by this prospect, fear not - 'womanking' is equally suitable. Let the craze begin... Here's Producer Jonno's manking me...

Stronger than he looks...

And here's my somewhat more feeble attempt at manking...

'bruised coccyx' is the excuse I'm going for

Turns out manking goes back a number of years, with people really mixing up the concept...

'Boxking' - Empty boxes can be hard work

Manking can easily go wrong leading to possible injury

The Manking World Champion - a personal hero.

#manking twitter people... get snapping!

Lightsaber duels in toy stores and the return of The Big Breakfast

"One officer's attempt to use a taser on Canterbury failed when he deflected the hit with a lightsaber"

One of the best lines of news I've EVER read. And it comes from a great story - a slightly strange man who started attacking staff with two lightsabers in a Toys R Us store. The fact he deflected a taser, jedi-style, almost justifies his lunacy.

Steady Martine...

We asked which movie scene you'd like to star in and re-create... Best suggestions included becoming Bambi (and coaxing the mother away from the poachers), Jim in American Pie (preferably without the pie scene) and Producer Jonno's desire to be Hugh Grant in Love Actually, so he could finally kiss Martine McCutcheon. Disgusting. Other suggestions included being Odd Job in Bond, and decapitating 007 and the vomiting scene in the Exorcist. Even more disgusting.

I would like to be Neo in the bullet-dodging scene from the Matrix. I always try it when slightly inebriated in clubs and end up with a wet back and further dents to my ego...

Also today we got incredibly over-excited at the rumour of The Big Breakfast returning to our screens in time for the Olympics. I literally grew up watching the show during its 10-year run, with so many fond childhood memories: Vital Statistics, Woman in a Tabard and More Tea Vicar among my favourite. As a presenter, I can only DREAM of coming up with such genius features. With speculation rife as to who will return as presenters, we took a straw poll as to who you'd like to see return. Overwhemling winners were Johnny Vaughan and Denise Van Outen, unsurprisingly as they made the show what it was. Apparently they haven't spoken for 3 years so a comeback seems unlikely. Which is a shame, because Denise was one of my two childhood crushes. The other - Gaby Roslin.

 

PHWOARRRR

And I leave you with a classic Big Breakfast moment, of which there are thousands...

Cocozza's lofty expectations and Neeson vs wolves

Becks must be THRILLED

Frankie Cocozza - what an up and down relationship we've had (by we, I mean the general public, I haven't had an affair with him). First he charmed us with his cheeky bum stories, then he disappointed us with his off-screen antics, and then he charmed us again on Celebrity Big Brother. But today's news that he aims to be 'the Hugh Hefner of Essex' just downright amuses me. Plotting his path to playboy more specifically, he is going to target Jennifer Aniston as his first celebrity conquest (Made in Chelsea stars DO NOT count). 42 year old and apparently pregnant Jennifer Aniston. Good luck Frankie...



James Tully from the Odeon popped in for the film forum with LOADS of movie sequel news. Looks like a new X men, Mission Impossible, Rio and Hangover film are inevitable, with the latter promising to take the franchise in a "new direction". Because frankly grown men getting THAT coma-inducingly drunk twice was pushing it, let alone three times. New movies out this week include worst-titled film in a long while (Man on a Ledge) and the brilliant-looking Chronicle which comes out tomorrow.

Earlier this morning on the Breakfast Show I gave my verdict on Liam Neeson's new survival thriller The Grey. A film that promised to answer the question of who would win if Liam Neeson took on wolves. A question that this baffling film FAILS to answer, despite some top notch acting from the man himself.

The Grey film review by Jonesy on Mixcloud

I would compare the film to this scenario: Imagine, if you will, that England are in the World Cup Final (imagine really really hard) and they're playing Germany. It's gone to penalties (what else) after 120 minutes of an emotional rollercoaster, and with 3 each on the board, Wayne Rooney steps up to take the kick. JUST as he's about to strike the ball, the TV cuts out, and never comes back on. EVER.

That is the ending of The Grey, a film that promised so much, and failed to deliver...

Also on today's show we informed you that you could very soon have the chance to buy your very own share of facebook. Mark Zuckerberg looks to pocket around $16billion by taking it public, and I'd say it's a pretty safe investment.

Some random facebook facts:

• The average person has 130 friends on facebook (the rest are 'acquaintances', let's be honest)
• 1 in 13 people on earth use facebook (remember the Third World people...)
• Australian's are the most avid users, spending 7 hours a day on facebook. Do they do ANYTHING other than surf, drink and facebook?
• The meaning of 'poke' has never been defined... but we all really know what it means...

"Hello, I can't take your call right now, bore off!"

Happy Mondays! For two reasons... 1) The band reformed today and 2) Apparently this is the happiest Monday of the year due to post-Christmas pay checks and summer holiday bookings. Anyone else struggling to believe this?

Perhaps I'm just a tad tired and grouchy. Muggins here stayed up till 4am watching wrestling - yes, wrestling - of the WEE variety. What a disgusting waste of £14.99 that was...

Boring / robotic voicemail messages was the main topic of the day in honour of Inane Answer Machine Messahe Day (who makes these up?). We attempted to turn Brighton's inane voicemails into INSANE ones, or at least hald-interesting ones. The two main culprits are the robotic "welcome to the O2 voicemail..." and "hi, this is Steve, leave a message". Why even bother, seriously? I changed mine to the classic wind-up where the message pretends you've picked up the phone and start a conversation - something I fall for hookline and sinker every single time.

Jonesy's answer machine message by Jonesy on Mixcloud

Guy - of Breakfast Show fame - had a pretty good one, where he rambles on for a while about being too busy with "show business" to answer his phone. He wishes.

Guy Lloyd's answer machine message by Jonesy on Mixcloud

My favourite goes to my mum though, who is still getting to grips with the 'voicemail' technology and has thus had this message for a good 6 months...

Jonesy's Mum's answer machine message by Jonesy on Mixcloud

Also today, we launched a new Album of the Week - Lana Del Rey and her chirpily titled "Born to Die". We'll see if the rest of the album is as uplifting as the two singles released thus far, but few can deny her haunting voice. And slightly intoxicated performances based on the below...



Finally, we talked driving, and it turns out women are in fact BETTER... at parking. By better, I mean more 'legally astute', insofar as they abide by the rules where as men just half-arse it and park wherever they can. Makes sense to me

Tonight Matthew, I am...

Using a genius new app called CELEBALIKE, you can now discover which celebrity you most closely resemble. Turns out some celebs are more common than others, with Steven Gerrard being the top male, and Lorraine Kelly being the most common lady. Sorry girls, but 1-0 to the guys I think.

You can test it with your own face - using just a facial photo, this app scans your facial features and finds a likeness. For example, Producer Jonno had an interesting one...

Tory boy Jonno

And mine is even more baffling....

Apparently when I bloat my cheeks I also change ethnicity...

Hey, at least I'm not Guy Lloyd off the Breakfast Show...

 

Best of all though, Sporting Briefs star Loz had his long-term lookalike confirmed...

Separated at birth it seems...

We have contacted Guy's 'people' for a DNA test, and we'll keep you posted...

Have a lovely weekend, I'm currently debating whether or not to stay up to some ungodly hour Sunday night to watch the Royal Rumble. Unfortunately, it's not a chance to see the Queen suplex her corgis, or William take on Harry for the throne in a "Crown up a ladder" match - something we'd all pay good money to see. It is, in fact, genuine bonafide wrestling, WWE-style, that most people grew out of at 12.

Not me!

Stags + pants + dog leads = a wild weekend

Turns out Brighton is the second most popular stag / hen weekend destination in the UK, and after living here for 8 years I'm not surprised. Normally in the summer we do outside broadcasts from hotspots like the Pier, the Pavilion and... ummm... not I'm done. I cannot tell you how many groups of stags in dresses, or hens who I wish were wearing dresses, stumble past the Juice team, still drunk, at 10am. I've never been on a stag or hen weekend - believe it or not - but frankly I don't think I want to if the movie The Hangover is anything to go by.

Oh Scooby, not you too...

We asked for your bizarre/funny/inappropriate stag and hen stories. One chap went to Manchester and was so drunk during the day he bought a Guinea Pig and named it after himself - Gary. One lady from Newcastle came to Brighton for a hen weekend and loved it so much, she moved down here mere weeks later, despite recalling very little from her drunken escapades. Let's hope the traveling Geordie fans don't like the city too much when they visit our city on Saturday - we've had enough enough Northern invaders already (Guy Lloyd).


We also posed a thrilling QI-style question today... A 48-year old man was arrested in Thailand for stealing 10,000 of WHAT? That's what you call "teasing the listener" in radio land. The answer, unfortunately, wasn't tigers, as that would've been incredible. It was, in fact, pairs of ladies PANTS. Apparently, this chap has been totally addicted to pants for 30 years. Even worse, he stored thousands in his car and was regularly seen driving round sniffing the undergarments. It has made me seriously question the investigative abilities of the Bangkok police force, as you don't tend to see too many blokes sniffing pants at the wheel but hey.

It did bring back fond / vomit-inducing memories of Phillip, former Apprentice contestant and fellow pants-obsessive...



And finally, if - like me - you are a single pringle and dreading the love-up that is Valentines Day, then you should consider emigrating to Ubekistan! (No, Borat doesn't live there). In the ultimate anti-romantic movement, the authorities have placed an official ban on ANY Valentines-related activities or events. Not stopping there, the nation's Turkiston newspaper described the holiday as the product of "forces with evil goals bent on putting an end to national values". Not just goats, but EVIL goats. What on earth do evil goats look like?...

Good LORD it's utterly terrifying

With that nightmare-ish image burned deep onto your retinas, I'll wish you ta ta till tomorrow!

Jonesy x